Would You Buy This Rug?

Doo Dee Doo Dee Doo

SCHMALENTINE'S DAY

Do you celebrate?
Nope. I thought I would give a shit about it once I had a significant other, but I have yet to.

Who's your valentine this year?
Ooh, tough one. The husband has made a strong showing this year…

What are your plans? Bill has a thing on Wednesday nights, so I’m looking forward to an evening to myself.

Is he/she your bf/gf?
Not any more; I married his ass.

Do you love him/her?
By golly, I think I do.

How long have you 2 known each other?
Since June 25, 1997

How long have you been together?
Since February 21, 1998

What does he/she look like?
Some say Don Knotts, some say James Woods, some say the old Blues Clues guy. Has Adrien Brody-like ability to make a large, angular nose very cute.

Have you had sex with him/her?
By golly, I think I have.

What's your favorite love song?
Too many! Key songs at our wedding were “True Love” (Patsy Cline AND Dean Martin’s versions), “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by S&G, “They All Laughed” by Fred Astaire, “When You Say Nothing At All” by Alison Krauss, “I Can’t Believe That You’re in Love With Me” by Dean Martin, “How Sweet It Is” by Marvin Gaye, “From This Moment On” by Ella Fitzgerald, “At Last” by Etta James, and “Come Rain or Come Shine” by Ray Charles.

What's your favorite romantic movie?
Too many! I’m in love with C.C. and Fran from The Apartment, Brandon and Lana from Boys Don’t Cry, Aaron and Jane in Broadcast News, Ennis and Jack in Brokeback Mountain, Daniel and Julia from Defending Your Life, Bob and Charlotte from Lost in Translation, Ronny and Loretta in Moonstruck, Jeff and Clarissa from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Harry and Sally when they met each other, and though it’s not a movie, Jim and Pam on The Office.

Have you had your first kiss with your valentine yet?
By golly, I think I have.

Would you rather get flowers or chocolate?
Give me a bouquet of irises and a really kick-ass mocha latte.

Teddy bear or poem?
Give me a vintage Pound Puppy (if you found it in your parents’ basement, that’s cool) and play me a nice song.

What would be the perfect date?
First of all, it would have to be in nice weather so I can wear a cute dress and sandals instead of padding myself with layers and clomping in snow boots. There would be some sequence involving consumption of sushi, petting of dogs in the park, getting Italian ices, doing something conducive to conversation and playfulness (I do NOT talk or make out during movies, so shut up and watch quietly!)

Pink, white, or red?
All of them. But not today; I am defiantly wearing all turquoise.

Sweethearts or sweet tarts?
Are sweethearts the things with “Be Mine” and such on them? Those taste like shit. I can’t remember what sweet tarts are, but I probably don’t like them. Give me anything chocolate and I’m happy. Except chocolate-covered ants. Gross.

Any firsts this Valentine's day?
It is Ruby’s first valentine’s day. She celebrated by licking her little kitten crotch and pooping in a box.

Will it be better than last years valentine?
Who knows, don’t remember.

How much do you like your valentine?
Oh, I suppose I’m a little sweet on him.

Does he/she know?
You know what? Fuck you! Not everyone is in 8th grade. In fact, I would go so far as to say there are far more people in the world who are NOT in 8th grade than there are IN. So there.

Will you try anything new this year?
Probably. I don’t need to plan months in advance to try something new.

What do you value in a boy/girl?
Ability to catch spiders in the bathroom, open sealed jars, act in my films. Must love movies (smart ones), dogs, traveling, and food. Must be a smart-ass. Must be emotionally capable of a give-and-take relationship. Must not be a neat freak. Must be okay with the fact that I collect toys, and will do so until I am old and dead.

Does your valentine hold these qualities?
Yes, yes, many yeses, almost always, he does since he met me, yes, HUGE YES, another HUGE YES, absolutely, yes, and squeamishly yes.