Strangeness on a Train

This morning I boarded the Red Line, and what luck, there were a multitude of empty seats. I sat in the single, aisle-facing seat at the far end of the car, pleased I snagged the best seat in the car. All the seats around me were empty except for this one guy sitting across the aisle from me. He was clearly homeless, and he was sitting on a stack of newspapers...and a piece of crinkly white paper that was tinged brown...and then I breathed in....and understood why this section of the car was empty. Once I noticed the smell, it was overpowering. I practically gagged. I don't like when people are rude or mean to homeless people, when they make a big deal of avoiding them, but this smell was too pungent to remain seated out of politeness. I got up and walked to the other end of the car, and found an empty seat. The people on this other end of the car gave me that look that says, "I've been watching people make that same mistake all morning."

As the ride continued, I saw more and more people fleeing the almost empty side of the car, making faces and covering their noses and mouths. The conductor got on the intercom and said (as best I can tell from that screechy sound system), "Passengers, please to not switch between cars. Do not switch between cars, passengers." First of all, was she talking about the extremely dangerous move of passing between cars while the train was in motion, or going out the main doors when the train was stopped at a station and jogging down the platform to the next available doors? She said it as soon as the train started moving again, so I wasn't sure. At the next stop, she announced, "Passengers, use the FIRST available door; do NOT pass an open door, passengers." At this point I wondered if the conductor had no idea why people were fleeing this car, or if she knew, and just had no patience for it. It reminded me of a school teacher pleading with the rest of her students that somebody has to sit next to the poor, lonely, smelly kid, so can someone please be nice and sit next to him?

As the train was approaching Belmont, the smell grew worse. It seemed to be embedding itself in the clothing of anyone who walked near it, so each time someone fled that end of the car, they brought a little smell with them to the other end. At Belmont, the Brown Line was pulling in, so I decided to switch trains.

I stood on the Brown Line and saw the Red Line pull away and out of view. I remembered that the Brown Line was having severe issues lately with track work, and if I rode it all the way to the Loop, there might be serious delays. I couldn't afford to be late for work. I looked out the window and saw another Red Line train coming up from behind, running parallel to the Brown, and I reasoned that these two trains will be pulling up to Fullerton at the same time, so I can switch back to the Red in order to be reasonably on time. So I did that, and as I sat down I breathed in and smelled the stench of human feces. I looked around and noticed a few familiar passengers. I had gotten back on the same train. I couldn't believe it. It must have pulled ahead of the Brown at Belmont, then stalled on the tracks, and then caught up at Fullerton. The first thing that came to mind was the episode of The Simpsons when Homer is driving a car off a downhill cliff and jumps out of the car as it accelerates down the hill, but manages to roll back into it just as it flies off the cliff.

At North and Clybourne I got out and moved to the next car, conductor be damned. Now I'm at work, and I can't get that smell out of my nostrils.