Lame Duck

There was a great bit on The Daily Show a few years back: Jon had Rick Santorum on the show, and before the interview began, he announced that he had challenged himself to come up with a statement they could agree on. As best I can remember it, it was: “Ice cream is a delicious treat, but when eaten before dinner, could spoil one’s appetite.”

Feeling adventurous, I decided to see if I could up the ante, with a greater number of statements about a greater douchebag. In honor of the final year of Bush’s interminable administration, I’m going to challenge myself to come up with 10 (oh yes, 10!) statements that he and I could agree on. Wish me luck.

1. I like America.
2. Terrorism is bad.
3. I love my spouse.
4. I was born in Connecticut.
5. Dogs make wonderful companions.
6. Cherry blossoms are pretty.
7. Sometimes I just feel like dancing.
8. The coast of Maine is a lovely place to vacation.
9. I hope Hillary Clinton does not become president.
10. I am terrified of Dick Cheney.

Wow. That was tough. I think I need a nap.

The Birth of a Recipe

Today I have invented a new food. I am very excited.

It was a "necessity is the mother of invention" kind of discovery. I had a jar of salsa in the fridge with just a little bit left, not enough to use in a meal, just a snack-able amount. So I went to the cupboard for the bag of tortilla chips, and found that too was nearly empty: All that was left were the little broken bits of chips at the bottom of the bag.

I tried to dip these broken pieces, but they were too short, and the salsa level was too low in the jar. I dumped the salsa in a bowl, and tried again, but still the chips were too small for dipping. I looked at the remaining chips, which looked an awful lot like Corn Flakes, and TA-DA! Idea!

I poured the broken tortilla chips into the bowl of salsa, grabbed a spoon, and mixed them lightly; enough to cover the chips with tomato-y goodness, but not so much that they got soggy. And I ate it like a bowl of cereal. And it was pretty fuckin' good.

Seriously.

Smackdown at the Danbury Library

I have quite a few posts on here about the antics of the rude, ignorant, or mentally imbalanced people of Chicago. It's only fair to include the misbehaviors of the people of Connecticut when they put on such a spectacular display as this one.

Last month I was back in my home town visiting family. Like every trip to Connecticut, I spend a day or two at the Danbury Library with rolls and rolls of the local newspaper on microfilm, printing out birth and marriage announcements and obituaries for my massive genealogy project. I planned on being at the Library when they opened at 9:00, but ran into a couple snafus and didn't get there until 9:45.

The automatic doors by the parking lot didn't open, so I walked around to the front entrance at the corner of Main and West Streets. There I saw one guy, maybe 35, in ragged clothes, sitting infront of the entrance, reading the newspaper, and a woman, maybe 60, standing a few feet away, pacing in unsettlingly close circles. The guy looks up from his paper and says to me, "They're not open yet." I look at the schedule on the window and see they don't open until 10:00. So I stand awkwardly with these people, waiting for someone to unlock the door.

A few more people show up and nestled into a waiting spot. One guy, an Asian man of about 40 with no teeth, recognized the first guy sitting against the door, and they struck up a friendly conversation. "Hey, man, what's happening?" and all of that. The Asian guy was very difficult to understand, between his accent and lack of teeth, but I was getting the gist of their conversation. Then an old man, maybe 75, in a light blue plaid shirt, mesh baseball cap, and pants hitched up his waist comes shuffling towards the library. He had a raspy, monotone voice very similar to Bob Einstein's (aka Super Dave Osborne, aka brother of Albert Brooks) and pale blue eyes that were utterly expressionless. From 10 feet away from the entrance, he starts yelling in that raspy voice:

"What is this? You! Go home! Get out of here! What is this, the Viet Cong? Jesus, what's wrong with this country where people like you can get in? Go back to Vietnam! Get outta here! You're lucky I wasn't in Vietnam! I would have blown you up! Nuked the lot of you! I would have cut you up into little pieces and thrown you in the ocean!"

The toothless Asian man just grinned wickedly, and gave the old man a taunting nod. The old guy continued to rant, and finally the Asian guy said:

"You want to cut me? Want to cut me here?" -- he gestures to his throat -- "or here?" -- he gestures to his balls.

"Hey, knock that off, there's a GIRL present!" the old guy yells.

I realize I'm the only person he could be talking about. I made a face at him that said I wasn't the least bit interested in him defending my honor. At this point I notice there's a black guy in Army fatigues also waiting for the library to open, and he gives me a sympathetic smile. The Asian guy keeps grinning with amusement, reaches into a pocket on the leg of his cargo pants, and says:

"Here, you want to cut me? Here! Take it!"

He pulls out something that looks like a gardening tool or a bottle-opener, and gestures it towards the old man. The Army guy is galvanized and looks ready to take down either guy in a heartbeat. Then on perfect cue, an old lady in a floral shirt and stretchy pants comes from inside the library and unlocks the front door. The Asian guy re-pockets his weapon, the old man starts muttering to himself, and everyone else breathes a sigh of relief and quietly enters the library.

Inside the library, I sat down at a table and drafted a list of which microfilm rolls I will need based on the dates on my retrieve list. The old man shuffles up to me and starts talking absently:

"I just want you to know that's not the first time I've seen that guy. He's been getting on my nerves for a long time now, but I've been following him. I've been following him everywhere for the past few months, keeping very close tabs on him."

Normally I'm too chicken to say anything to people, let alone crazy people, but somehow I came out with a sarcastic: "Was it worth the effort?"

He stammered a bit but came back with: "Did you see him pull a knife on me? Did you see that thing?"

Now I'm enjoying this, so I said, "Yeah. It looked like a gardening tool."

"Oh, no," he said, "That was a very dangerous weapon. I don't expect you to know things like that, but I'm an expert on this sort of thing."

And then he shuffled away, continuing to mutter to himself about the Viet Cong.

And then suddenly I start blogging all the time

What is a question that people ask you that always gets on your nerves?
“Why don’t you smile?” I’ll smile when I have something to smile about, asshole.

Name something you have in common with all your siblings.
DNA, childhood experiences, black cats.

What number of alcoholic drinks is your limit?
Care to find out?

Do you fold your underwear?
Please. It’s chore enough washing my underwear.

Name something random that you would do.
I would do random things randomly.

Name something that made you laugh today.
The song “Cheer Up, Murray” from Flight of the Conchords. Which I sent to my semi-boss, Murray.

What is on your refrigerator door?
Melted popsicle drippings. It’s really gross.

Name the closest thing to you that is green
Panties.

If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what hint would you give them?
It rhymes with “Tabbouleh.”

Name something you have to do tomorrow.
I’m sure I’ll have to shit and piss at some point.

Do You Own An iPod?
It is green, and has a banana sticker on it that says “Brain Power.”

Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Irina, Bruce and Susie,…not too many.

Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Sigh. Opposite. I’m not a woman-hater, I’m really not!

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Yes, yes, and yes – I’m sorry, did I just push you out of the bed?

What did you do last night?
Wrote some more of the screenplay, added some new entries to my obituary scrapbook, did naked things.

What big concerts are you looking forward to?
VH1 Deceased Divas: Judy, Ella, and Patsy. Can't WAIT!

What did you dream last night?
Damn, I wish you had asked me that this morning. I totally would have remembered, but it’s gone now. (And you know it would have been good!)

Do you know anyone who's married?
Self. Also husband.

Who was the last person you drove with?
Joanna drove me to the airport in Connecticut.

What's the last movie you watched?
We watched Rushmore again. My god, what a great flick.

Have you ever fallen asleep with someone of the opposite sex?
I make a habit of it.

What's one thing you wish you could be better at?
People.

People Playlists Continued

JOANNA

1. "A Whole New World", Brad Kane and Lea Salonga
2. "You Oughta Know", Alanis Morissette
3. "One of Us", Joan Osborne
4. "Name", Goo Goo Dolls
5. "Spiderwebs", No Doubt
6. "As I Lay Me Down", Sophie B. Hawkins
7. "Crazy", Patsy Cline
8. "Don't Know Why", Norah Jones
9. "Red Neck Woman," Gretchen Wilson

1: The Aladdin soundtrack was the first CD purchased for our household. Joanna and I thought we were hot shit because we owned a CD! But we had to share it, and there were fights...

2 and 3: 1995 was the year of Alanis and Joan. In a rare compromise, Joanna and I agreed we would each buy one album, and we'd share. But then there were fights... (Also, "You Oughta" must be included, because it is the source of the greatest mis-heard lyric ever: Joanna thought the line was "It's not fair to deny me of the cross-eyed bear that you gave to me.")

4, 5, 6: These were songs Joanna had on CD, that I would listen to when she wasn't home. And sometimes she would catch me with them. And then there were fights...

7: This was a top-contender for my "Dad" list, but it belongs here because one of the few things Joanna and I could agree on was that Daddy's country music sucked, and what kind of stupid woman would sing a song where she kept calling herself crazy? We were united in our hatred of something other than each other.

8: I had a burned copy of this album that I accidentally left in the CD player of my parents' computer while I was visiting from college. Joanna found it, listened to it, loved it, and sheepishly asked me if she could keep it.

9: We both developed a nostalgic taste for country music in our 20's, but we had rebelled against Dad's music for so long, we both kept it under wraps. A few years ago we were in the car with Mom and Dad, this song came on the radio, and we both started faintly singing along. There was this double-take between us: You like this song too?!?!

*****

TOM

1. "River of Dreams", Billy Joel
2. "It's Not Unusual", Tom Jones
3. "Criminal", Fiona Apple
4. "Bitch," Meredith Brooks
5. "Because You Loved Me", Celine Dion
6. "My Heart Will Go On", Celine Dion
7. "Don't Speak", No Doubt
8. "One Sweet Day", Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey
9. "Brown Eyed Girl", Van Morrison
10. "Piano Man", Billy Joel
11. "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover", Paul Simon
12. "I Will Remember You", Sarah McLachlan

1: We're in Sara's basement, painting the backdrop for our Odyssey of the Mind skit, and singing this song.

2: The finale of Mars Attacks, which we loved when it first came out, and which will always be remembered as the movie where my Mom burst into applause. Twice.

3: The summer this was out, Matt had just bought this CD, and wouldn't shut up about a.) how great the album is and b.) how funny looking he thought Fiona was. Matt was playing this over and over at the pool party in Tom's backyard.

4: This was the anthem for the summer of '97. And also '98. And '99. How could we not like a song called "Bitch"?

5 and 6: If I had a copy of "The Prayer", it would be on here too. Tom and my favorite sport was handicapping and watching the Oscars, and Celine Dion sang at three of the four telecasts from our high school years. We loved to hate it, and hated to love it. (And we have thumped our chests in the finales of diva ballads ever since.)

7: Because we were the only high schoolers on earth who thought this song was a delicious riff on the mantra of Dianne Wiest's Oscar-winning performance in Bullets Over Broadway.

8: This song was played at damn near every high school dance, so Tom would sing the Boyz part and I would sing the Mariah part in a satirically histronic performance at the edge of the dance floor, that would ensure us unpopularity throughout high school.

9: Also played at every single high school dance, because the school always hired the same nerdy kid to DJ because he was cheaper than a real DJ.

10: Several times, while at a large party, we orchestrated everyone into holding hands, swaying, and singing along with "Piano Man." Because...um....well....uh....the reason being...

11: One of the last great high school moments. We were in a pizza restaurant in New Milford, waiting for our pizza to arrive, and this song came on the muzak. Without any planning or spoken agreement, we all started bobbing our heads in unison, and we managed to get through the whole song in silent choreography. After which we busted out laughing and it became legend.

12: Ah, our senior prom theme song. The sort of thing that would have made us blubber like babies if we weren't all itching to get the fuck out of high school.

People Playlists

Today's mostly-unprovoked project is people-themed playlists. I pulled songs that I strongly associate with people I know very well and grouped them by person in my iTunes player. Here's two of them:

DAD

1. "O Sole Mio", Dean Martin
2. "On the Road Again", Willie Nelson
3. "Stand By Your Man", Tammy Wynette
4. "Ring of Fire", Johnny Cash
5. "Love Letters in the Sand", Patsy Cline
6. "The River", Garth Brooks
7. "Take it Back", Reba McIntyre
8. "Imagine", John Lennon
9. "King of the Road", Roger Miller

1: Dad's an Italian guy, hence he can sing "O Sole Mio." It's also one of his favorite songs to sing in the shower, or while he's taking a piss. He really likes to sing while he's taking a piss.

2: This is one of those songs that Dad will sing along with whenever he hears it. But he has a hilarious inability to remember lyrics, which means he's pretty much singing just the words "on the road again" and the rest is a bunch of la-la-la's and mumbles.

3: Sometimes he'll come out with this song, and Mom will snipe about how sexist it is, and they'll have a play fight about it.

4: Dad has a bunch of Johnny Cash albums, and played them all the time when I was growing up. I remember this one the best because on the album cover, Cash is standing in front of this trippy vortex graphic that looked like he could very well fall into a ring of fire.

5: Patsy and Johnny are probably Dad's two favorite singers. I could have picked quite a few different Patsy songs, because an album of hers was one of three cassette tapes Dad kept in the car and played on loop on long car trips. But this song wins because it's another one of Dad's peeing songs, which gives "Love Letters in the Sand" a whole new subtext. (Love letters in the snow?)

6: The other two cassette tapes were a concert by the West Point Military Band (which I don't have on my iPod, and never will), and The River. Dad would literally ask for a hush over the car when this song came on, such was his reverence for it.

7: Dad's radio is always tuned to Country 92.5, so I heard the latest country hits every Sunday on the way to and from church. This is one I really got to like when I was maybe 11 or 12.

8: Dad had this album on a 33. He played it for me when I was very young, and then years later, bits of the song came out as I was trying to make up a song (maybe when I was 8 or 9). So for a few years I literally thought I had written the song "Imagine", until he played it again one day, and my mind was blown -- How did John Lennon know the song I wrote???

9: Nowadays when I fly back to visit my parents, it's usually Dad who drives me up to the airport to go back to Chicago. Many times this is a long quiet trip, because we don't have all that much in common, and are often at a loss for common topics of interest. We were driving north on I-84, approaching Hartford, "King of the Road" came on the radio (92.5 of course), and we both sang along for the entire song. That might be my favorite Dad moment ever.

*****

SCOTT

1. "New York State of Mind", Billy Joel
2. "I'll Do Anything", Jason Mraz
3. "This Love", Maroon 5
4. "The Summer Wind", Frank Sinatra
5. "Alcohol", Barenaked Ladies
6. "Sooner or Later", Madonna
7. "Kerosene", Miranda Lambert
8. "Just Like a Pill", Pink
9. "Man on the Moon", R.E.M.
10. "Got to Begin Again", Billy Joel

1: We're in a bar, and the guy sitting next to us pumps the jukebox with quarters and back-to-back Billy songs. So we get into a conversation about our favorite songs (can we pick just one?!?!), and the three of us sang along with this whole song together.

2: This was the theme song for the character he played in my final film in college. If I could afford the rights to it, I would have played the opening bars under his character's first appearance in the film.

3: I'm a little fuzzy on this one; I know this song kept coming up in Directing III, but now I can't remember why.

4: The night we wrapped my Directing III film, we went to a bar across the street from the shooting locations, and I played this on the jukebox. The night he wrapped his film, we went to the bar that was adjacent to HIS shooting location, and he put this song on the jukebox for me. Who'd a thunk the bastard could be sentimental?

5: Because he loves to get me riled up about how much he drinks. (And he has played this exact song to illustrate his love of the stuff.)

6: We both hate Madonna. A lot. But we both have this song because of Sondheim.

7: Scott, you probably don't even remember this song, but I played it for you once, and you described it as "Tampon-y." (Shaking head in disbelief...)

8: This was playing in Nick's Uptown the first time he and Josh tried to get me to play pool. And I sucked. Hard. So you might say pool, for me, is just like a pill. (Insteadda makin' me better...)

9: I'm proud of this one. Lately he had been talking my ear off about what a great album Automatic for the People is. (Not that I didn't agree.) So then once he was telling me about the moon-landing-was-a-fraud theory, and I said, "Well, if you believe they put a man on the moon...." and it wasn't until I said "up his sleeve" that he realized I was fucking with him.

10: Me and him drove our Directing III teacher crazy with our constant bickering. One exchange went something like this:

Him: It's called "Got to Begin Again."
Me: What album is that from?
Him: It's a rare one, you've probably never heard it.
Me: I have a lot of Billy albums.
Him: You don't have this one.
Me: Try me!
Him: Cold Spring Harbor.
Me: I don't have that one.
Him: Told you.
Me: Whatever, asshole.
Teacher: What the hell is wrong with you two?!?!

*****

To be continued...

Mitch Hagan

Once upon a time there was a guy named Mitch Hagan. Up until a recent point in his life, he owned such CD's as Dido's No Angel, Keely Smith's Keely Sings Sinatra, and two R.E.M. albums: Green and Monster.

I know this because I was thrift store shopping yesterday, and had the eerie experience of finding every CD I pulled from the shelf had a personalized "Mitch Hagan" label on it.

This strikes me for two reasons. First, I would think if you're the sort of person who puts personalized labels on your every possession, you would also be [anal/paranoid/etc] enough to peel off said labels when you donate these items to a thrift store. Second, I have precisely the same taste in music as Mitch Hagan's former self. Does this mean that I, one day, will metamorphose into the current Mitch Hagan, decide I no longer like R.E.M., Keely Smith, or that "Thank U" song, and return these discs to the thrift store from whence I purchased them?

What do you think, Mitch? Are you out there?